Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Bubka

I honestly put no thought into the name of my newfound blog. If I put thought into it, then failed to maintain it, my failure would be magnified. Then, someday, I would go and look at my paltry post or two, see that I had actually put some thought into the title of the blog, and I would feel my face flush with embarrassment. Whether or not there are witnesses, that feeling of flushness is unpleasant.

So, to combat this scenario, I put the first thing that came to my mind: Bubka. I put the word "The" in front of it because it's a fun opportunity to refer to myself in the third person - this has always appealed to me.

As for the meaning of Bubka...

When I was growing up, the crazy religious people around me treated Satan as the Boogeyman. He was both omnipresent and subtle - if you weren't constantly on guard, he would overtake you. And if he overtook you - well, I'm not sure what would happen, but it would be really bad.

I'm not making light of Satan. Satan is bad. Who doesn't think Satan is bad? Of course, Satan is bad.

But this was different. What was scary about Satan was that you could invite him to possess you by doing seemingly-innocuous things. Listen to a certain song, and BAM! You're overtaken. Watch certain shows, and BAM! Overtaken! Think certain thoughts - BAM! Discuss certain topics - BAM! It was horrifying.

But boys become rebellious. Rebelliousness is how most boys roll, at a certain point. Music was how it started with me. Rock music was one of the easiest ways to get possessed by Satan. By listening to rock music, you were basically telling Satan a convenient date and time when he could enter your soul. Once he entered your soul, you were on the direct path to becoming a serial murderer - or at least a deviant, of some sort.

It helped to know which songs were bad. In fairness, all of them were bad. But it was good and helpful to know how they were bad, on a song-by-song basis. Led Zeppelin liked to record messages backwards. The Beatles did that, too. If you listened to Stairway to Heaven, you were encouraged to worship Satan. If you listened to certain Beatles songs, you were encouraged towards things like necrophilia and bestiality. These are just a few examples.

About once every few months, my church leaders would get us together to go through the songs that were bad - including listening to some of them backwards. You can't be too careful about things like this. The Boogeyman was everywhere. After a session of talking about these songs, I didn't want anything to do with the Robert Plants and Paul McCartneys of the world - thank you very much.

One of the best examples of how all rock music eventually leads to Satan is the song Hotel California, by the Eagles. Apparently, the Hotel California is the biggest Satanic Church in the world. It's bad, and it's scary. Listen to Hotel California, and you will for sure be possessed. The Eagles say that the song is about something else. But, of course, they lie. The song is about that Satanic Church. What else would it be about? It only makes sense.

So, long story short, when I started getting rebellious, I listened to songs like Hotel California. It's the song I remember most, because it's kind of catchy. One of Satan's tools is that he makes the most evil songs with catchy beats. That's what I would do, if I was Satan. So it makes sense.

Listening to Hotel California led to worse things. To bug some of my friends, I would write things like NATAS on their notebooks (NATAS is SATAN spelled backwards). I would use my finger to write the number 666 into the dirt of their cars (666 is the Satan's number - it's a really bad number, and it's evil). And I would sign some of my notes "Beelzebub" ("The Prince of Demons" - one of the names referring to Satan in the Bible). This was all very silly. It was my way of defying the Boogeyman - a silly teenage thing. Honestly, all that stuff caused me nightmares through my early teens. Mocking it was a direct way to combat the irrational fear I had of it, growing up.

Then, when Al Gore started developing the Internets, I found myself posting on various social boards. In almost every case, I was asked to choose a moniker for myself. Even back then, using something based on your real name seemed like a bad idea. So, I decided - funny guy that I am - to use a knock-off on the name of The Evil One. I took "Beelzebub," and I made it "BeezleBubka." Friends on the boards shortened it to Bubka - BeezleBubka was, apparently, too much to type.

So, there you have it. I am Bubka - The Bubka, if I am going to do the third person thing.


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